Migraine

Ever had you HEAD ripped open?

I have. A few times now. Funny old world we live in, isn't it? So AFTER my last post and little conversation with Kibbles and Bits, some of my team took notice that I... Wasn't really feeling myself. I noticed it too, after I made some comments that I... Regret? I should regret them, I know that much. Something is much screwier with my chemistry than I had initially thought.

Thought, being the main problem. Shit is like 2011 all over again... Can't trust my own fucking THOUGHTS.

Spent some time talking to our on-call Psychologist. Doctor KASE is playing fucking COY with what he thinks is fucking happening to me. I don't like being TOYED WITH. I do the toying around these parts...

And he didn't exactly give me any real solution to the problem either. He just kept asking these inane fucking questions about my memory. Which is fine, by the way.

Apparently he wants to take a "wait and see" approach to this. He fucking thinks this shit is going to change I guess... I am also not allowed to go take my FRUSTRATION out on the garbage we keep downstairs. Which is fucking linked to the personality changes I am experiencing, so I guess that... Makes sense. Emotions are... Imbalanced as shit. Sometimes I am pissed for no real reason, other times I feel like the whole goddamn UNIVERSE is trying to swallow me up, lonely just LONELY and occasionally I just don't fucking feel anything at all. But no matter how my emotions are running, one thing. ONE FUCKING THING is always the same... I don't feel right. At all. I keep shifting parts of myself... Which shouldn't be happening, because keeping myself like I was before all this, is the best way to keep me stable. I hate this.

Gleeman told me I should probably try focusing on our work. It isn't really helping, but we did manage to track our primary target to an interesting location. Couple of years back, when things around here were dying out. All the Runners getting too smart to blog about their misery... I found a new one. Some idiot college kid blogging about this shit. But that College had some weird stuff going on, and the guy in charge was a creepy fuck who wasn't one of us, and evidently wasn't a Runner either. Some kind of weird cult thing was going on there, with this weirdo, Thomas Corvin, in charge. Spinner knows more, because. Well. He was there for this entire ordeal. It is how I first made contact with the guy...

So our target, Loreid, fucked off from Europe and made a beeline to this particular College. So we assume, he has something to do with that Cult. Which is good information to have, once I am... You know. Capable of trusting myself out in the field again...

Ugh.

I'm at least glad to see Kelly is suffering at least as much as I am. Next time, I'm just going to rip him apart until there is nothing left... Can't be bothered going through this shit after this...

Headache

Overestimated myself, I think...

I see Kelly didn't get the same treatment I did from whoever that was. Let me tell you... I don't appreciate the interference. But I guess it doesn't really matter. I can't even bring myself to be all that upset.

His post sums up our scuffle pretty well, though he definitely downplayed the ass kicking he was getting. I was SO close to killing him, and that parasite... I should have tried focusing on snuffing out Fortissimo's life first, you know? That would have broken Kelly, if there is anything left to break. Really bring out the animal in him, before the bitter bitter end. Never killed a dead man before, you know.

And probably I should have killed Lord Vader, myself, for the hell of it. Fucker had a VERY hard time concealing his contempt for me, and the things I can do. Probably rooted in jealousy, you know. You think you're so very devout, and suddenly you see someone who is literally closer to God in every way. Must be quite the blow to his ego. Hopefully Kelly burned down the whole fucking building, and all those idiots in it. Put them all out of our misery. Heheheh.

I REALLY FUCKING HATE THIS SHIT, YOU KNOW? I've been feeling weird since the fight, and I can't put my finger on what the hell is actually wrong. Spinner and Gleeman have been talking about me all week. Whispering. I don't really care... They're as insignificant as everything else on this godforsaken hellhole of a world. Maybe I should just kill them both right now. I guess I was planning on saving them for near the end, with everyone else who was useful to me. All of them need to die for what they are, what they've done. I hate them. You know? I really hate them all.

They REALLY shouldn't talk about someone behind THEIR BACK. IT'S RUDE. And I have MURDERED people for less. TORTURED EVEN.

Just like those IDIOTS downstairs. Maybe eating THEM will make me feel better. It's like... Like I don't feel comfortable in my own SKIN right now. I DON'T EVEN HAVE SKIN ANYMORE... You know, maybe it was something Spooky McGhostbitch did to me, during the teleport. Messed with my control somehow, keeping me on EDGE. Need to figure out what the hell she was... How to kill it. REALLY deserves it for messing with my head. I hate not being in control, being MANIPULATED like this. And for what? Something that won't pan out, I am sure. Not in the long run. Nothing, NOTHING works out in the long run. Especially since, sooner or later, I will finally put a fucking end to this entire galactic shitstain of a species.

Right. I... Probably should mention my game plan going forward. Opportunity to kill Kelly seems to be fucking lost. I could track his ass down again, sure, but... Who's to say we won't get INTERRUPTED AGAIN... That leaves the Loreid situation and the Wolf Pack. Yeah... OH. Right. When I got back to the office, Jimmy wallowing in his own filth or whatever it is he does when I am away for long periods of time. A letter was delivered though, addressed to ME, and with it was a fucking DOLLY. Knitted. Said Dolly, was of ME.

The letter itself had a picture of GUESS FUCKING WHO holding said dolly, and read THUSLY.

"Dearest Scratch,

I hope this package reaches you safely.

Please accept his little gift and allow me to formally extend an invitation to dinner.

I do hope you will join us, my little lost sibling. I am an excellent cook and I suspect it has been a while since your last decent meal.

So lets share a meal before we try to kill each other, like civilized people.

Sincerely,

KnitWolf"

Well, goodness, gracious me. With such a polite invitation, how could I refuse? Name a date, Knitty, and I promise I'll be right over. Gonna request it be AFTER I get over this SHIT that whatsherfuck did to me. Wouldn't want you to catch this shit if it happens to be contagious. Really spoil all the after dinner fun, and we certainly can't have THAT, now can we? Really been looking forward to meeting you and your... Family.

SO, while I wait. That leaves this Loreid shit. Its been a while since the initial... God that shit is boring. Dull, dull, dull. He stole a FUCKING ROCK from a bigger CRUMBLING PILE of rocks. He won't succeed, and he can't even READ it, so who the fuck cares. I don't see Father caring. Fuck it. They can take care of it themselves. If they find him, good, sure. Let me know. I'll go kill his ass and whoever he is working with. But I have better things to do than going on meaningless hunts.

Or... Fuck. Fuck it. Maybe I'll feel like it when I get over this... StuckintheAlpsitis.

The Alps

So. A thing happened. A weird thing. I was in Russia.

THEN I WAS IN THE FUCKING ALPS. IN A TREE.

Well, I guess Lord VADER is dead, assuming the same shit didn't happen to Kelly, the MOTHERFUCKER. If anyone from Dimir's little group is left ALIVE, do let me know will you? IN ENGLISH PLEASE.

FUCKING SPOOKY BITCH. ASK PERMISSION BEFORE YOU TELEPORT SOMEONE, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ARE BUSY KILLING A FUCKER.

If someone wants to tell me why some RANDOM PALE BITCH showed up like a GODDAMN GHOST, TOUCHED ME WHILE I WAS ABOUT TO FINISH THAT ASSHOLE OFF, AND THEN I ENDED UP IN THE ALPS. And there was FUCK ALL I could do to stop it? How does that EVEN WORK?

I'M PISSED, AND ANGRY AND MY HEAD FEELS FULL OF FUCK. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT HE PROBABLY DIDN'T DIE, DID HE. AGH. He REALLY needs to die. I took a look in that WARPED little head of his, and it WASN'T PRETTY. If someone OTHER THAN ME could get on PUTTING HIM DOWN, that would be GREAT.

FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. You KNOW, I was thinking about posting a report about what happened, but FUCK IT. I feel like SHIT. No dealing with it right now. I'll do it LATER.

Happy Birthday to Me

I'm... What. 26 now? I mean I did DIE... So does that, like... Start the counting process all over again? Can we get a ruling on that? Am I actually a 5 year old now?

Huh. That would also make my new Birthday in January. Rebirthday?

I have this fucking debate for the past 5 years and I STILL can't make up my mind about it. This IS the first year I've spent my original birthday outside of the United States though. Would try to get the locals to sing me a song, but most of them don't know English. Which complicates matters. Also they hate me, though that isn't new when it comes to Birthdays. But it is GOOD. Best present I could ask for, really, not that I particularly GET why they hated me so INSTANTLY. Didn't even have to try, to piss them off. Heheheh. Whatever.

Tried out a thing, though, to celebrate. Made a Birthday cake, and laced the icing, and Candles, with NITRO. AND BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING. I am a SHITTY cook. SHIT. It wouldn't have been a good cake anyway, so this isn't a waste. We did have this guy though. Not a Runner, but we had him for leverage with someone, for some stupid reason. Organization politics, blah-blah-blah, boring. Name is Sivakov or Sivokov or something. I dunno, I don't care. Point is, he outlived his usefulness to us, so I made him a deal. We would let him go, if he did one, simple, little thing.

Heheheheh.

So. I've never actually USED Nitroglycerin like this before. I had NO idea how much would be enough. Turns out... I low-balled it a bit. He lit the candle, and BOOM. Explosion. It was GREAT, he went FLYING...

But he didn't die. Fucked up his face, and most of his body, though. So that was a bit disappointing.

Still. Man of my word. He was FREE to go. And go he WENT. To a Hospital, I think, where he will hopefully die after a long, painful, process of trying to save his worthless, pathetic, life. Or he'll be left a scarred, hopefully crippled, wreck of a human being for the remainder of his sad, sad, days.

You know. I suddenly feel a lot better now.

Lot of work ahead of me. Meeting with people to discuss THINGS. A week, and we've been unable to really pick up the trail for Loreid, but we DO know he is clearly working with YET ANOTHER FUCKING TRAITOR PROXY. We don't know WHO. Why don't know why. But SOMEONE who knows both our passwords and OPERATING PROCEDURES, has gone to GREAT LENGTHS to delete most of the shit we know about Loreid. AND BURNED THE HARD COPIES FOR GOOD MEASURE. YES they had security cameras. No. The footage was not there to be recovered. Fucking traitor FUCKS.

Gonna make an example out of this one... Fuck them up REAL good and taxidermy what is left. Send it around to other offices... Remind people about the benefits of fucking LOYALTY. A commodity oh so FUCKING RARE these days. Ugh.

AND NOW I'M IN A BAD MOOD AGAIN. FUCK. Fuck it. 

Europe

What a shitshow.

So, we arrived in Europe a few days ago. Met with the local filth and finally found someone who could translate this fucking moon-speak. And we were off to where Playwright was killed, and where we lost our little trinket. An old Castle, or what was left of it, off in the woods in North Poland. I don't know the full history of the place. It got ruined sometime in the 1800s, and we have been using it ever since for matters I also can't talk about. Castle's last master, before us, was some Prussian guy who was a member of the Order of the Black Eagle. He was also an alchemist, occultist and very much aware of the world's many, many, secrets.

But he wasn't one of us, so... His knowledge didn't exactly bring him a happy fate. Heheheh.

While the above-ground portions of the castle were pretty much just ruins, a lot of the subterranean infrastructure is still pretty sturdy. Apparently our people have been keeping the non-collapsed portions in pretty decent shape for the past 200 years. Neat little museum, all in all. Even has a legitimate dungeon and torture chamber. I respect that. And there were a few little antique instruments in there I wouldn't have minded playing with... But I admit. The modern setup I have back home is much more effective, in general.

Though there is something... Special about the idea of torturing a person down in a darkness that has seen so MANY beautiful tragedies over the centuries. The history lends a feeling I just can't imitate back home, even down in the Catacombs. I could make the Catacombs more... Crumbly and archaic seeming... But there is just something about the feel of the Castle. Its indescribable. The suffering of ages infused into the very darkness of the halls. Drinking that shit in was INTOXICATING.

My BELOVED Non-Traitorous brethren didn't seem to share my opinion of the place though. They don't like being in the underground. Heheheh. They were so fucking on edge the whole time. Like they expected a monster to jump out of the dark and tear their throats out, or something. And I don't know why. I mean. I was right beside them the whole time. Heheh. Ah... But apparently the lack of anyone brave enough to keep an eye on the underground gave Mr. Loreid his window of opportunity to sneak in. Apparently Playwright followed, but didn't call for enough backup.

I'll give Loreid this much. He did a HELL of a job killing Playwright. They showed me the bodies, and MAN were they not in good shape. Playwright was basically salami by the end. Which, to be frank, makes me think Mr. Loreid is not working all by his lonesome. His file speaks of formerly timid anthropologist. His repeated dealings with Playwright and others have apparently hardened him a good bit... But this? This doesn't seem quite right.

In any event, after dealing with Playwright, Loreid grabbed the I-know-what and fucked off. And fortunately, or SO I THOUGHT, the Euro-boys had picked up the trail. Turns out, he found one of OUR safehouses in the area. An old Cabin. Good for privacy, be it for recuperation without fear of Runners hunting us down, or for fun times with captured targets. Apparently no one had actually used it, or CHECKED ON IT, for a few months.

Well... We didn't waste any time heading up there and kicking the door in.

I was hasty, in hindsight, and got a face full of FUCKING FIRE for my troubles. And Loreid WASN'T EVEN THERE. He just rigged the place with a BOMB, for when the door was kicked open. NO CASUALTIES except for my cheerful demeanor for the rest of the day... And all the information in the building that MIGHT have been helpful, went up in FLAME. 

This brings up a question. Where the HELL did he get a bomb from? What the HELL is with Europe Division? I thought AMERICA was supposed to be the gun crazy place, you know? But even the LEAST experienced of the family here are ARMED TO THE TEETH, WITH MILITARY SHIT. And the Runners are apparently MUCH THE SAME half the time...

RIGHT. Well... We have NO IDEA where Loreid went, but we'll find the trail sooner or later. Gonna have to TALK to people, be social, you know... Figure out how the hell he found that safehouse... Spinner can take care of that. Should have probably brought Mumbles too... Might have been helpful for what is coming, but... Eh. Whatever. I am more than enough. More than more than enough, really, but they tell me humility is a virtue or something...

Well. Best I get prepared for the comments from the peanut gallery. Miss you Doctor Spookypants. You only commented once but you are now my favorite by default. You and your stylish, STYLISH, attire... Lets see... Kelly, you can go fuck yourself. And if not, hopefully the Russian guy can go do it for you.

Alpha Bitch and your little puppies. Are you enjoying your freedom? Lets hope so. It won't last. Related question, what is your favorite feature on Kristy? Physically speaking, we all know there is NOT much to like about her personality. Well... I take that back. You had to like the personality, considering you spent all that time constructing it. Building your own, not-so-sweet, little dolly. How precious. Gotta say, brainwashing her like that and then having a relationship. Old Man Banks would be so proud. Though... I doubt the you that started this little journey of yours would quite agree. Heheheh.

Lastly... Sanna. Speaking of dollies, I really would have expected you to have been patched up just a BIT better by now. Most people can recover a bit from trauma, but I guess you are just too damn weak. Curious question. Been wondering. Have you ever gone back to that place? You know the one. Where you, me, and those poor innocent people you had killed got to know each other so well? Might be good therapy for you. Help you orient your mind a bit better. See where you actually stand now. Might even be some... Presents left there for you. Aren't I a thoughtful friend?

AND IT KEEPS PILING UP

HERE I AM. TRYING TO PLOT THE DEATHS OF (largely) A FRIGGING HORDE OF TRAITORS. A TASK THAT MIGHT PROVE REAL FUCKING CHALLENGING, AND NOW. NOW of ALL TIMES. They decide I am needed for a thing. One of the Runners that was smart enough never to go on the blogs, but not skilled enough to stay off of our radars, went and did a thing that merits my involvement.

I love the idiots who think that they can science their way out of becoming another one of Father's victims. No matter how far outside the box they believe they are thinking, it is never enough. They look forward, but never far enough backwards. To see how generations of humans, less bound to logic and established methods, tried to deal with the inescapable terror that haunted them even then. Of course, there are no easy or concrete solutions, no matter how far back you look. But there have been, I admit, some damn good ideas. Ideas best left buried.

But it seems now a fellow has come close to digging something up. Alexandre Loreid, formerly a professor of anthropology at some University from somewhere. I don't really give a shit, because he has been running for 13 years now, and apparently anyone I might be able to use from his past is already long dead. Loreid has even picked up his own obsessed Proxy nemesis. Because that shit ALWAYS works well for us, right? Said nemesis was a guy named “Playwright.” I know FUCK ALL about Playwright, but he is apparently DEAD NOW. Killed in a struggle with Loreid. After said struggle, Loreid apparently found something I am NOT allowed to really discuss on here, at the moment. And I have been ordered to see that it goes back to where it belongs.

By prying it from Loreid's cold, dead, severed and mutilated, hands.

Now, this may surprise you, but I have MANY QUESTIONS that have not been answered. The thing I am not allowed to talk about, is something I know fuck all about. I don't even know why this asshole taking it would necessitate someone like ME jumping in. I also don't know the specifics of Playwright's death, which feels like useful information to me. I don't know if Loreid is working solo, or in a group. What little information we have in the file, doesn't tell me much about him personally. Just that Playwright already used up the “Friends and Family” card.

Oh. And I don't know where the fucker actually is specifically. Just that it is Europe, which begs the question of why the European Proxies aren't handling this. Playwright died in North Poland, near the Baltic Sea. Which DOES NOT NARROW IT DOWN MUCH. So I am ASSUMING Loreid isn't sticking around where Playwright died. Did I mention I don't speak Polish? Or German? Or any language that isn't English or VERY dead.

This is gonna be an exercise in frustration...

But I suppose I had to go to Europe anyway. Needed to see a man about a Mummy. Think it could teach me a LOT of important facts about important things.

Jimmy can hold down the fort while I am gone. I think. My secretaries don't often do good without me, for some reason. Really need to learn some independence, instead of relying on me for all their food and water. HOPEFULLY fucking Jimmy won't be DEAD when I get back like the others. I will be SO disappointed. I might fire him. I employed him. I TOOK THAT BULLET. Better not be for nothing...

But don't think I've forgotten about the Canadian problem. Already have a few good plans to deal with that lot. Just a matter of implementing. And finding the time to do so... Heheheheh. Curious, can our Pack of Now-Wild Dogs figure out my strategies? Ask yourselves... What would you do in my position? Get CREATIVE. Know your weaknesses, both physically and mentally. Especially mentally.

It won't help.

Oh, I will probably also briefly stop by the the soggy, depressing, corpse of the British Empire. See if I can pick up Sanna's scent, for later. That might be fun.

On the Subject of Traitors

I GET IT. I really do. This is a hard, unpleasant life. And a lot of good Chosen, Proxies, have decided that they are on the wrong side of things. I WAS ONE OF THEM. For a brief, brief time. Nightscream did it. Reach did it. Both Redlights did it, though more Spencer than the other guy. Tensor did it, but Tensor was an idiot. And now... The Wolf Pack has gone rogue. But you know what REALLY SUCKS about that situation? It isn't their fucking fault. Its like... They've been kicked out of the Family. And why? Really, WHY? I know Father doesn't have to tell us ANYTHING, and he normally doesn't. We are his tools, to use and discard as he sees fit. But the Pack were REALLY good tools. And they just got their deadliest weapon back, at the cost of their least deadly. IT IS AN OPPORTUNITY. AGH. SO I JUST DON'T GET WHY THEY'VE BEEN KICKED OUT.

Frustrating. REALLY frustrating. Agh.

Fucking Jimmy had no answers. Idiot barely seemed to know what I was talking about. So FUCKING unprofessional. I shouldn't have to explain the fucking JOB, the LIFE and my fellow Chosen to MY OWN SECRETARY. Useless idiot. Should have caved his skull in with that waffle maker thing. I might if he complains about a headache when he wakes up. NOTHING HE IS EXPERIENCING IS WORSE THAN WHAT I HAVE TO GO THROUGH, WORKING WITH HIM EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. That I am here, that is. Thinking of taking a trip to foreign soil. Meet my international brothers and sisters. See how their shit works. Or doesn't, more than likely. But maybe they at least HAVE SECRETARIES WORTH A DAMN.

Fuckers. AGH. Just why does this shit not make itself easy. It should be fucking easy. There is OUR SIDE and THE DEAD SIDE. Not everyone gets the choice, but no one should choose the DEAD SIDE. Stupid, fucking STUPID. Wasteful even. Why couldn't it be the USELESS ones. Or the ones like Banks. GAH. Should have fucking found that birdbrained fucker and stopped this shit from happening in the first place. Or properly performed the fucking ritual in his place. Playing with forces beyond your understanding is NEVER a smart thing to do... So fuck, maybe he didn't goddamn know what the hell he was really doing. Useless IDIOT. So why not punish HIM.

Whatever. Fuck it. There are consequences for leaving the family. I faced them, and so did all the others in the end. This time will be no different, but maybe, JUST maybe, if I get my way... I can at least ensure they will live to regret their actions. I mean. The broken one was broken into joining our family. Shouldn't be too hard to repeat the process, if I have to. Heheh. I have the tools. The other one hasn't been broken, but was always the more squeamish by all accounts. Ugh. What a waste. Fucking waste.

Didn't expect this when I started this new little diary blog. I mean, yeah. I knew there were a few people still active. Thought it might be fun to see their inane little comments on my true, REAL thoughts. Well. No more of that. Time to begin dealing with the last of the blogging crowd. Turn this into a real proper Gravestone for this sorry affair. Heheheheh.