Ever had you HEAD ripped open?
I have. A few times now. Funny old world we live in, isn't it? So AFTER my last post and little conversation with Kibbles and Bits, some of my team took notice that I... Wasn't really feeling myself. I noticed it too, after I made some comments that I... Regret? I should regret them, I know that much. Something is much screwier with my chemistry than I had initially thought.
Thought, being the main problem. Shit is like 2011 all over again... Can't trust my own fucking THOUGHTS.
Spent some time talking to our on-call Psychologist. Doctor KASE is playing fucking COY with what he thinks is fucking happening to me. I don't like being TOYED WITH. I do the toying around these parts...
And he didn't exactly give me any real solution to the problem either. He just kept asking these inane fucking questions about my memory. Which is fine, by the way.
Apparently he wants to take a "wait and see" approach to this. He fucking thinks this shit is going to change I guess... I am also not allowed to go take my FRUSTRATION out on the garbage we keep downstairs. Which is fucking linked to the personality changes I am experiencing, so I guess that... Makes sense. Emotions are... Imbalanced as shit. Sometimes I am pissed for no real reason, other times I feel like the whole goddamn UNIVERSE is trying to swallow me up, lonely just LONELY and occasionally I just don't fucking feel anything at all. But no matter how my emotions are running, one thing. ONE FUCKING THING is always the same... I don't feel right. At all. I keep shifting parts of myself... Which shouldn't be happening, because keeping myself like I was before all this, is the best way to keep me stable. I hate this.
Gleeman told me I should probably try focusing on our work. It isn't really helping, but we did manage to track our primary target to an interesting location. Couple of years back, when things around here were dying out. All the Runners getting too smart to blog about their misery... I found a new one. Some idiot college kid blogging about this shit. But that College had some weird stuff going on, and the guy in charge was a creepy fuck who wasn't one of us, and evidently wasn't a Runner either. Some kind of weird cult thing was going on there, with this weirdo, Thomas Corvin, in charge. Spinner knows more, because. Well. He was there for this entire ordeal. It is how I first made contact with the guy...
So our target, Loreid, fucked off from Europe and made a beeline to this particular College. So we assume, he has something to do with that Cult. Which is good information to have, once I am... You know. Capable of trusting myself out in the field again...
Ugh.
I'm at least glad to see Kelly is suffering at least as much as I am. Next time, I'm just going to rip him apart until there is nothing left... Can't be bothered going through this shit after this...
"Kibbles and Bits"... Heh cute
ReplyDeleteWell, while you're recovering, tell me, do you prefer chocolate or vanilla cake?
Vanilla. Why?
DeleteWell, I did invite you to dinner. I'm just making some plans for the dessert.
DeleteOh, one more thing, what questions did the good doctor ask you about your memory?
DeleteWell aren't you fucking nosy.
DeleteFamily questions. The personal kind.
Heh... I am simply curious, Scratch. So...were they more about the facts of your family life or your feelings towards it; towards them?
DeleteTowards them?
DeleteHow about this. You tell me ALL about your past, the horrible events that brought your ass into this nightmare, how they made you FEEL... And I'll tell you all about mine.
I did. It's all laid bare in the first year of my blog. What I'm wondering is whether or not your feelings have changed towards them- perhaps as a result of what is happening to you- or if they are the same as what you felt before...
DeleteFor what it's worth, you didn't deserve the abuse they inflicted on you but they deserved every bit of what you did to them.
"This nightmare", Scratch? Interesting choice of words from the happy servant. Perhaps whatever is happening to you is making you more honest
Oh I know it is on your blog. Tell me here, in the now.
DeleteIt IS a Nightmare. It just isn't MY nightmare.
Why do you want me to rewrite here what has been written there? Not that I mind- it just seems redundant.
DeleteIt isn't your nightmare?
I suspect this boy might disagree
http://themorninghunter.blogspot.com/2011/02/iamme.html
You are a very different kind of monster from the thing that wrote that first year of posts.
DeleteYou know, as I RECALL, you got fucked up by Father on more than a few occasions too. You mean to tell me the mind fuckery didn't freak you the fuck out the first time you experienced it? Besides, I was dumb as hell and crazy as shit back then. 2011 was a bad, BAD year, even if it did ultimately lead to a lot of good.
I'm no psychologist, but I got a theory on why you're having these thoughts. It's because they're logical and powerful thoughts. That's why they're afraid of those thoughts. Of course they have someone in to try to shove your head back into your Father's lap before you see the forest for the trees.
ReplyDeleteI love how all you fuckers keep telling me I am brainwashed, and a puppet and shit. And now that I am ACTUALLY suffering from Brainwashing, you come along and tell me this shit is PERFECTLY NATURAL.
DeleteWhy am I not surprised.
You think someone has somehow altered YOUR mind? And you’re mad about it? Do you have any FUCKING idea what you did to mine? No, you probably don’t even fucking remember.
DeleteWell, for as long as you think you’re being brainwashed, how the fuck does it feel? Feeling yourself slide out of control, trying to grasp what you’ve got but it keeps fucking sliding?